The art of knowing
how to apologize
Knowing when and how to say sorry can rebuild relationships and improve trust
By Angela Civitella
Previously published in WestmountMag.ca
Knowing how to apologize is a vital skill in both personal and professional life. None of us is immune to making mistakes or saying the wrong thing. Recognizing when we’ve crossed a line — and expressing genuine remorse — is not a sign of weakness, but a mark of courage and maturity. After all, nobody is perfect, and we can all benefit from learning how to make amends.
A sincere, well-crafted apology has the power to mend broken relationships, ease tensions, and rebuild trust. While apologizing isn’t always easy, it remains the most effective way to restore harmony and balance in a relationship after a misstep.
Recognizing when we’ve crossed a line — and expressing genuine remorse — is not a sign of weakness, but a mark of courage and maturity.
In this guide, we’ll explore why apologies matter and how to deliver them with sincerity and grace.
What is an apology, and why offer one
An apology is more than just words — it serves two essential purposes:
• It conveys genuine remorse for your actions.
• It acknowledges the harm those actions have caused to someone else.
There are many reasons to apologize sincerely when you’ve hurt someone unnecessarily or made a mistake. First, it opens the door to honest dialogue. By admitting you were wrong, you give the other person an opportunity to communicate openly and begin processing their feelings.
Apologizing also means taking responsibility for behaviour that was unacceptable, which can help restore trust, repair relationships, and set the stage for a shared understanding of what is — and isn’t — acceptable moving forward.
There are many reasons why you should make a sincere apology when you’ve hurt someone unnecessarily or have made a mistake.
First, an apology opens a dialogue between you and the other person. Your willingness to admit your mistake can give the other person the opportunity he needs to communicate with you and start dealing with his feelings.
When you apologize, you also acknowledge that you engaged in unacceptable behaviour. This helps you rebuild trust and reestablish your relationship with the other person. It also gives you a chance to discuss what is and isn’t acceptable.
‘A sincere apology shows that you are taking responsibility for your actions and can strengthen self-confidence, self-respect, and your reputation.’
What’s more, when you admit that the situation was your fault, you restore dignity to the person you have wronged. This can help initiate the reconciliation process and may prevent them from unfairly blaming themselves for what happened.
Finally, a genuine apology once again demonstrates your willingness to own your actions. It can build confidence, enhance self-respect, and protect your reputation. You may also feel a sense of relief in bringing your actions into the open — one of the best ways to restore your integrity in the eyes of others.
Consequences of not apologizing
What are the consequences if you don’t apologize when you’ve made a mistake?
First, you will damage your relationships with colleagues, clients, friends, or family. It can harm your reputation, limit your career opportunities, and lower your effectiveness – and others may not want to work with you.
It also negatively affects your team when you don’t apologize. No one wants to work with a colleague or a boss who can’t own up to his mistakes and who doesn’t apologize for them. The animosity, tension, and bitterness that come with this can create a toxic work environment.
Why apologies are difficult
With all these negative consequences, why do some people still refuse to apologize?
First, apologies take courage. When you admit that you were wrong, it puts you in a vulnerable position, which can open you up to attack or blame. Some people struggle to show this courage.
‘You may be following the advice “never apologize, never explain”. If you do, don’t expect to be seen as a wise or an inspiring leader.’
Alternatively, you may be so full of shame and embarrassment over your actions that you can’t bring yourself to face the other person. Or, you may be following the advice “never apologize, never explain”. It’s up to you if you want to be this arrogant, but if you do, don’t expect to be seen as a wise or an inspiring leader.
How to apologize appropriately
Step 1: Express remorse
Every apology needs to start with two magic words: “I’m sorry” or “I apologize”. This is essential because these words express remorse over your actions. Your words need to be sincere and authentic. Be honest with yourself, and with the other person, about why you want to apologize. Never make an apology when you have ulterior motives or if you see it as a means to an end. Timeliness is also important here. Apologize as soon as you realize that you’ve wronged someone else.
Step 2: Admit responsibility
Next, admit responsibility for your actions or behaviour, and acknowledge what you did. Here, you need to empathize with the person you wronged and demonstrate that you understand how you made them feel. Don’t make assumptions – instead, simply try to put yourself in that person’s shoes and imagine how they felt.
Step 3: Make amends
When you make amends, you take action to make the situation right. Here are two examples:
“If there’s anything that I can do to make this up to you, please just ask.”
“I realize that I was wrong to doubt your ability to chair our staff meeting. I’d like you to lead the team through tomorrow’s meeting to demonstrate your skills.”
Think carefully about this step. Token gestures or empty promises will do more harm than good. Because you feel guilty, you might also be tempted to give more than what’s appropriate – so be proportionate in what you offer.
Step 4: Promise that it won’t happen again
Your last step is to explain that you won’t repeat the action or behaviour. This step is important because you reassure the other person that you’re going to change your behaviour. This helps you rebuild trust and repair the relationship.
‘You need to empathize with the person you wronged, and demonstrate that you understand how you made them feel.’
You could say: “From now on, I’m going to manage my stress better so that I don’t snap at you and the rest of the team. And, I want you to call me out if I do this again.”
Make sure that you honour this commitment in the days or weeks to come – if you promise to change your behaviour, but don’t follow through, others will question your reputation and your trustworthiness.
If you’re concerned that your words won’t come out right when you apologize, write down what you want to say, and then role-play the conversation with a trusted friend or colleague. However, don’t practice so much that your apology sounds rehearsed.
Further strategies for effective apologies
In addition to the four steps above, keep the following in mind when you apologize.
Don’t offer excuses
During an apology, many people are tempted to explain their actions. This can be helpful, but explanations can often serve as excuses, and these can weaken your apology. Don’t shift part of the blame onto someone or something else in an attempt to reduce responsibility.
Here is an example of using excuses in an apology: “I’m sorry that I snapped at you when you came into my office yesterday. I had a lot on my plate, and my boss demanded my project report an hour earlier than planned.” In this case, you excuse your behaviour because of stress, and you imply that the other person was at fault because he bothered you on a busy day. This makes you look weak.
‘Explanations can often serve as excuses, and these can weaken your apology. Don’t shift part of the blame onto someone or something else in an attempt to reduce responsibility.’
A better approach is to say, “I’m sorry I snapped at you yesterday.” This is short and heartfelt, and it offers no excuses for your behaviour.
Tip: Make sure that you are fair to yourself when you apologize. There is a fine balance between taking full responsibility and taking too much responsibility.
Don’t expect instant forgiveness
Keep in mind that the other person might not be ready to forgive you for what happened. Give that person time to heal, and don’t rush her through the process.
For example, after you make your apology, you could say, “I know that you might not be ready to forgive me, and I understand how that feels. I simply wanted to say how sorry I am. I’ll give you plenty of time to see that I’m changing my behaviour.”
Be aware of legal ramifications
Bear in mind that the law in some countries and regions may interpret an apology as an admission of liability or guilt.
Before you apologize on behalf of your organization, you may want to speak with your boss or get further advice from a legal professional. However, don’t use this as an excuse not to apologize, unless the risk is significant.
Tip 1: Be gracious and fair when you receive an apology. If you respond with aggression or self-righteousness, you may lose the respect of the person who apologized, as well as the respect of the people around you.
Tip 2: Don’t demand an apology from someone else. They may well refuse, and you can easily end up in an angry, unproductive standoff.
‘An apology is a statement of remorse that you make when you’ve done something wrong. It can be difficult to apologize, but it can do a lot to heal relationships and rebuild trust.’
Key points
An apology is a statement of remorse that you make when you’ve done something wrong. It can be difficult to apologize, but it can go a long way in healing relationships and rebuilding trust.
Follow these steps when you make an apology:
• Express remorse
• Admit responsibility
• Make amends
• Promise that it won’t happen again.
Don’t offer excuses when you apologize. Otherwise, you’ll sound as if you’re trying to shift blame away from yourself and onto someone or something else.
Feature image: Freepik
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