Embracing diversity:
A journey of understanding

A conversation with Marshall on gender identity

By Mona Andrei

July 4, 2024

Imagine a world where the way you see yourself doesn’t match how others see you. Or better yet, imagine not feeling seen at all.

Marshall Diabo is a professional dancer experienced in many styles, specializing in hip hop – Image: courtesy of Marshall Diabo

When I first met Marshall, he went by a different, more feminine name, and used they/them pronouns.

I was confused but respectful.

Then around two years later, Marshall completely came into himself and shared that he identifies as a man.

Again, I was confused but respectful.

The language of identity

Unrelated and around that same time, a friend of mine mentioned that her daughter, Kayla, wanted to see a movie and so she took them.

“Them? You took Kayla and her friends?” I asked.

“Oh, no. Kayla doesn’t use her/she pronouns anymore. We refer to Kayla as they/them now.”

That’s when my brain exploded.

It was like someone had suddenly changed the rules of a game I thought I knew so well.

As a writer, I couldn’t understand why we were “suddenly” changing the English language. And what do writers do when “they” (because there are many of us) want to understand something? We write about it. That’s when I reached out to Marshall to ask if I could pick his brain about this whole transgender-they-them-who topic.

And boy (or girl), did I have a lot to learn!

As a writer, I couldn’t understand why we were “suddenly” changing the English language… That’s when I reached out to Marshall to ask if I could pick his brain about this whole transgender-they-them-who topic.

A journey of understanding

If you find the gender diversity conversation confusing, I’m writing this article for you. To help you understand. To replace the confusion with some clarity.

If you personify gender diversity, I’m also writing this article for you. To give you a voice. To close the gap between ignorance and self-expression.

The first thing I learned from Marshall is that this is not a “new phenomenon” as I originally thought. Various cultures throughout history have recognized gender diversity. And, as an Indigenous person, Marshall shared that his culture embraces what they refer to as “two-spirit people” – individuals who embody both masculine and feminine spirits.

And to my point earlier about “changing the English language,” Marshall had this to say:

“We’ve been using they/their as a singular pronoun for a very long time. We just haven’t registered that we’ve been using it that way. For example, if you find a pen on your desk and ask, ‘who’s pen is this?’ someone will answer, ‘it’s theirs’ (nodding to the owner of the pen) and may even follow up with, ‘they probably just forgot it.’”

If you go back and re-read that, you’ll note that Marshall’s use of “theirs” and “they” both organically and naturally refer to one person.

‘The first thing I learned from Marshall is that this is not a “new phenomenon” as I originally thought… as an Indigenous person, Marshall shared that his culture embraces what they refer to as “two-spirit people” – individuals who embody both masculine and feminine spirits.’

The spectrum of identity

As Marshall emphasizes, gender is not a one-size-fits-all concept.

“Everyone is an individual,” he asserts, his eyes reflecting a wisdom far beyond his age. “Each person’s journey is uniquely their own.”

Reflecting on his own journey, Marshall shares moments of introspection and self-realization.

“When I was a kid, I didn’t really think about gender,” he recalls, a pensive smile playing on his lips. “And when I was in high school, I didn’t care how people referred to me. I felt like ‘I’m just me… I’m just a human.’ It was only when I started going through puberty that I began to question societal norms and explore my identity.”

This is when Marshall began to have deep thoughts about what gender meant to him. In retrospect, he realized that he was more comfortable when people referred to him with masculine terms.

“I started noticing that when others referred to me with masculine pronouns, I felt like it was me they were talking to or talking about. And when they used she/her in referring to me, I felt like they weren’t seeing me for myself.”

‘No one wants to feel invisible. Everyone wants to be appreciated for their own uniqueness and not put into a box or labelled by collective expectations. This is true of colour, race, age, and gender.’

The power of being seen

In speaking with Marshall, I realized that feeling seen is a crucial part of everyone’s human experience. No one wants to feel invisible. Everyone wants to be appreciated for their own uniqueness and not put into a box or labelled by collective expectations.

This is true of colour, race, age, and gender.

Another good example is when someone refers to you as something that you’re not. Let’s say someone calls you a liar when honesty is one of your core values. It’s not just wrong – it’s insulting.

And it’s precisely how someone feels when they are misgendered. So, what do you do when you accidentally use the wrong pronoun?

According to Marshall, the answer is simple: Realize that you made a mistake, correct yourself, and casually continue with the conversation. In other words, don’t make a big deal about it.

“It can be a little scary to correct someone when they misgender you,” Marshall admits, his voice softening with vulnerability. “I feel a lot of anxiety because I don’t know how the person will react.”

We all deserve to be seen. And to Marshall’s point, “there’s so much power in each person’s uniqueness.”

‘My conversation with Marshall was eye-opening and deeply personal. It challenged me to rethink my assumptions and embrace a broader understanding of identity.’

A personal reflection

My conversation with Marshall was eye-opening and deeply personal. It challenged me to rethink my assumptions and embrace a broader understanding of identity. In doing so, I’ve learned that respecting others’ pronoun preferences and identities isn’t just about being politically correct (or adapting to a new English language). It’s about acknowledging and celebrating the rich tapestry of the human experience.

And that, as Marshall so eloquently put it, is where the true power lies in human connections.

Steps you can take to embrace inclusivity

Listen with an open mind when someone shares their gender identity with you.
Practice using different pronouns to become more comfortable with them.
If you make a mistake, simply apologize, correct yourself, and move on.
Educate yourself about gender diversity through reputable resources.
Be an ally by standing up against discrimination and promoting inclusivity.

‘I’ve learned that respecting others’ pronoun preferences and identities isn’t just about being politically correct… It’s about acknowledging and celebrating the rich tapestry of the human experience.’